The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

Praise for The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

“[Esther Perel] doesn’t peddle in bromides or offer a shoulder to cry on — she’s too busy trying to shake you to your senses, insisting on your agency, your vitality and your complicity in what happens in your marriage.“ —The New York Times

“Esther Perel honors our healthily lustful nature but does not reduce us to our animal drives. Her eloquent writing explores and celebrates our free humanity.” —Gabor Maté, MD, New York Times bestselling author of The Myth of Normal

“In The State of Affairs, Perel explores a vast landscape of the adulterous terrain...in a way that’s deeply humane and never preachy.” —NPR

“Those brave enough to seek advice on infidelity often meet platitudes, judgments, or oversimplifications—none of which capture the complex mix of loss, betrayal, and confusion they’re living through. Esther’s work confronts the real and messy path of understanding why it happened, whether repair is advisable—or even possible—and how, miraculously, out of a devastating act of destruction, a couple may choose the creation of something new.” —Matthew Hussey, New York Times bestselling author of Love Life and host of Love Life with Matthew Hussey

“Ms. Perel doesn’t recommend that couples be unfaithful—far from it. But she thinks that affairs can happen in stable, happy marriages, and that they often have more to do with a person than a relationship.” —Wall Street Journal

“In The State of Affairs, renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel asks us to move beyond the anxiety of whether infidelity could ever happen and instead to candidly grapple with the disorienting realities of when it does occur. Provocative and refreshing, Perel guides us on how to reorient in the wake of relationship transgressions and consider when love is worth fighting for.” —Dr. Justin Garcia, PhD, executive director of the Kinsey Institute and author of The Intimate Animal

“Perel takes a very stern line on what she sees as the excessive sense of entitlement that contemporary couples bring to their relationships. Their outsized expectations of what marriage can and should provide—perpetual excitement, comfort, sexual bliss, intellectual stimulus, and so on—together with their callow, “consumerist” approach to romantic choices, leave them ill-equipped to cope with the inevitable frustrations and longueurs of the long haul. They are too quick to look elsewhere the moment that their “needs aren’t being met,” and too ready to despair the moment that the promise of sexual loyalty is broken. Those who show willingness to forgive infidelity risk being chastised by friends and relatives for their lack of gumption.” —The
New Yorker

“We aren’t just told—and we don’t just come to believe—that no relationship can survive an affair. We’re told that no relationship should. In The State of Affairs, Esther Perel tells us a more complicated truth: not just that a relationship can survive an affair, but that more relationships should survive an affair and more would if we weren’t primed to believe that there’s no coming back from an affair. In The State of Affairs, Perel shows us that many couples don’t just survive an affair but reconnect and thrive.” —Dan Savage, advice columnist, author, and host of the Savage Lovecast

“The State of Affairs examines infidelity from all points of view—the person who cheated, the person who was cheated on, and the third party—in an attempt to understand how to make modern relationships more resilient.” —Washington Post

“As someone so completely plugged into the world of relationships, it makes sense that Perel would have some incredible insight into the most important one of all: the relationship we have with ourselves.” —Shondaland

“Unfailingly empathetic…. The State of Affairs is packed with such sage insights…. Through her formidable elegance, Perel manages to infuse some dignity into the pettiness of most betrayals.” —Bookforum

“Poignant stories of couples facing the aftermath of an affair and the highly knowledgeable analysis and advice they received from a well-trained couples’ therapist.” —Kirkus Reviews

“Deeply intelligent and a compelling product of our contemporary moment. No one writes better about the emotional landscape of affairs and the complexity of the erotic than Perel.” —Harriet Lerner, PhD, author of The Dance of Anger and Why Won’t You Apologize?

“The book is sure to spark intelligent conversations that will have readers everywhere examining their belief systems… A thought-provoking take on relationships and essential reading for couples dealing with infidelity.” —Publishers Weekly

“[Perel] has an incredible ability to speak the truth in a way that cuts you to the core and also makes you feel safe to explore topics we usually don’t talk about.” —Lewis Howes, New York Times bestselling author and host of The School of Greatness

“Sexologist Perel, a marriage crisis ‘first responder,’ excavates the messy psychology of infidelity, digging into such charged topics as the ‘new shame’ of wives—staying with a cheater—and why even happy partners sometimes stray.” —O, The Oprah Magazine

“Perel takes a peel-the-layers approach to infidelity that surprises on every page…. [She] weaves together a collection of personal stories that is both thrilling (you feel like you’re eavesdropping) and moving.” —Goop

“[Perel is] a genius in this area of understanding deep relationships.” —Tony Robbins, #1 New York Times bestselling author and host of The Tony Robbins Podcast

“Esther Perel is one of the most influential and well-known psychotherapists in the world. Through TED Talks, best-selling books, a podcast (Where Should We Begin?), and her clinical practice in New York City, she explores the one subject she believes interests every human: relationships.” —The Cut

“In her opinion, confronting and unearthing the why behind an affair with honesty and courage, can steer a relationship back from brink—possibly towards a place of erotic rediscovery.” —Esquire

“Since publishing Mating in Captivity in 2006, Ms. Perel has become a globe-trotting guru on sex and relationships. . . . Ms. Perel uses [The State of Affairs] to dispel myths and to show that affairs can sometimes even fortify relationships, so long as they spur a couple to discuss what has long been left unsaid.” —The Economist

“The State of Affairs takes a fresh look at infidelity, broadening the focus from the havoc it wreaks within a committed relationship to consider also why people do it, what it means to them, and why breaking up is the expected response to duplicity — but not necessarily the wisest one.” —Los Angeles Review of Books

“[Perel] is the real deal and very, very insightful…. Highly recommend [The State of Affairs].” —Tim Ferriss, #1 New York Times bestselling author and host of The Tim Ferriss Show

“Perel suggests that one factor driving infidelity in otherwise happy marriages is the fact that we rely on our spouse for too much, particularly too much in our own quest for self-discovery.” —New York Post

“Nobody has opened up a dialogue about intimacy, passion, trust, and the infinite complexity of human relationships like Esther Perel. Rereading her seminal books on the paradoxes and hidden fault lines of love and sex is to be challenged, enlightened and, if we are brave enough, inspired all over again. Essential reading for anyone who wants to begin to know themselves and, therefore, how to know desire and love for anyone else. As the world of relationships, like everything around us, seems to change at dizzying speed, these books remain as timelessly true as ever.” —Jason Isaacs